Dark Angel

Answer: We always want what we cant have, and when we can have it, we dont want it anymore. So is it a good thing that ************** and so many guys before gave up on me, despite all the feeligs they felt before? Because the moment i changed my mind and showed the slightest big of interest they ran straight for the door. Or should have I waited longer, pretended for a certain period of time that I'm not interested?

Maybe then they would have stayed? Or woudl they...Nobody can be that good of an actres anyway.
So what could have been done?

Should have i pretended to be someone I"m not, perhaps this illusion that the man desires in the first place;
the untouchable the glorious, the sex symbol, the modest, the perfect toy to add to the gallary? But nobody can be that good of an actress anyways.

If they could though, how oh how long could one keep it up before forgetting who she truelly is, driving herself to some of ofunspeakable depression and then loosing the guy anyways, and on the road loosing herself as well?

The most measurable of all solutions would be to probably do nothing, seek no interest at first but slowly gradually show emotion/affection back OR keep playing hard to get. Playing their little game and seeing how long oh how long will they last...?

but how long will they last?

What is the boarderline between just not having them wait long enough and loose interest  and waiting too long ahnd having he false sense to believe hat you are not worth waiting for?

And which guys boarderline where...

The real question is:

Is the guy even worth all the trouble in the first place.

Yes?

Next question.

are you his next:
mother figure?
sholer to cry on?
reveng date?
revenge fuck?
one night stand?
non exclusive girl?
fuck buddy?
friend with bennefits?
serious relationship?
someone to hold his hand?
his temporary moment of insnity?
his shield to hide his true sexuality?
his rebound?
his experiment?
his escape?
his next love song?
his muse?
his girl?
the love of his life?
his first time?
his last time?

or just simply his nothing...

why are they worth so much effort? love? no such thing. Love is just undisclosed and misplacedbundle of emotions.

These can come from a broken childhood, lack of parental love, lack of attention, craving of physical contact, or just an overdoes of heart ache.

SO PATHETIC.

I've abandoned the idea that a man can tuelly feel love, and warmth and use his heart for somethig other then pumping blood around his body.

If i know all this about men, then why do I try to be like them. Why do i constantlyu pretend i dont care when its killing m inside? Why do i act as if i was storing boys for y own liking in a filing cabinet? do i want to be what they want me tho be;;

;;this confident person, ranging with sexual energy, yet unacessible sex bomb of some type? OR

shoud i just play two cards in a circular rotation of slut and prude....

its a 50/50 chance for every guy out there.

who draws the boarderlines anyway.

why does it always come back to sex? Why can't i kep myself and my head out of this mess. Today is one of those days I just want to sleep forever.

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

CHORUS
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

CHORUS

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same


-Soul Asylum-

I miss you.

i miss the you i could talk to every night

i miss the you the only person i could trust

i miss the you; I never thought we could ever have a fight

i miss you; you’re the one that’s always by my side

i miss you and how you never  cared about what other people thought

i miss the you; the girl who was never influenced by others

i miss you and being able to trust you and tell you stuff

i miss you and the plans we made

i miss you; and how we planned to make it far, and I miss how we used to stick together

i miss the you and our daily messaging and evening four hour talks

i miss the tears, the drinking, the laughter and the girls night outs

I miss you and how you never used to argue back, when my opinion was worthy when it wouldn’t go too far; I miss all of that.

i miss the you and how you opened up and let me in

I miss the you that didn’t always have to be right

i miss you and how you’d say whatever is on your mind; but never intend to hurt me; not even subconciously

i miss the kindness you've left behind

i miss how we used to swear we'll be biffles till the end

i miss opening up to you and knowing you won't laugh in my face

I miss hearing you out; knowing whats going on..all the simple stuff

i miss you and how you used to accept me for who i am

I miss you and I miss how I used to have the courage to talk to you

i miss you.

If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

download linger by the cranberries or ask me for it
i have no longer any other favorite song
:)


i hate exam weeks. they're such a bitch. nobody warned meeeeeeeeeeeeee , last year it was bad but it was never as bad as this. there is 2x the amount of material that i had to know, and i studied every fucking day of hte holidays and yet i still know jack shit. not just that but im nervous and when im nervous i eat like crazy and boom  results are discusting.
fuck fuck fuck

i have no energy to do anything, but i cant sleep, and i cant focus and im so scared because these exams mean so much and i mean so far i've done 3/11. 2 of them i know i passed, one of them i know i failed. stupid math. and tomorrow THE WHOLE DAY just in the exam hall doing 3 exams each like more or a bit less then 2 hours long 

:( help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 
i hate schoool.


moms home.

the days here feel like a mirrage, (that thing in the desser where you basicly hypnotize..i cant spell mirrage..)
nothing seems real
numbness has taken a whole new level but i dont want to exadurate
the occasional tear and mood swing and emotion that stirs up this crazy mood inside of me is really something.
ive gained 5kg since i've been here but as off friday im going on crash diet as well as snowboarding intensly 
sadly
only
for
three 
days.
at least something. not going to have a 'who can drink more champain the fastest' competition this new years because:
-parents wouldnt tolerate it this time
-i've been studying every day, not too much but at least something, and exams r soon , and the last thing i need is a bad hangover
-its fat
i've been still couhging up blood btw and its still nasty as hell.
i havnt had a cigarette in 8 days
iiii havnt thought about lewin flo, instead i thought about the distant romances and relationships that are wayyyyyyy in the past such as crushes from grades 1-4 (dubai) and crushes from grades 5-6 (england) 
every night i've been having dreams, and im not fucking exadurating when i say this, but about teachers or school
i havnt had a good nights sleep
doubt its the jetlag
maybe its the completley new environment. if there could be an opposite of singapore in EVERY FUCKING WAY its this country.
whats the opposite of patriotism? well that is what i am my dearrrrrrr

im so sad here its unbelievable. at least the internet connection that i have finally managed to steal off our neighbors has made a sneaky access way to escape this country.

i miss you peoples. all of you. i miss carly so so so so so much. iand fichi!!!! miss jenny and i wish i didnt have to hang up so early that night she called. i miss flo and the way things were. i wish i could tell him what i want to tell him. i miss tanja and the way we used to talk when i still dated lewin and she still had lews bro (whos name i cannot spell...) i miss colin on some levels, coz he spend the summer in this house with me 4 years back? holly shitttttttttttttttt it feels so much longer then that. i have random flashbakcs which arent exactly PG so i will not share :P haha jokes. i miss freddy and paige and the double dates we used to go on with erfan. i wont even mention lewin because ive been doing such a good job keeping him out of my head for the past ..i lost count- THATS how good of a job i've been doing...but i know that the moment i'll step on that rented shit ass ugly as hell snowboard i will -besides freedom, and bliss- feel sadness,pain,disconnection,agony and the sudden rush and urdge to self destroy or just destroy. anger. self blame. ahh theres the word i'm like searching for regret. i miss the person who i used to be, the confident one the one who was happy with who she was who didnt have to bother pretending, the one who wore a pony tail to school every day or wore torn clothes and sagged her pants and...and just didnt give a fuck what other people thought. the one who knew she wasnt exactly the shit but didnt care because she wasnt self obsesed and knew looks didnt matter that much and fuckkkkkkkkkkk thats just. i dont know. i dont get it. i miss everyone and im so sick of hearing sad songs because i can always find some pathway to connect them to my life. NOT INTENTIONALLY. it just pops into my mind. i miss the way my parents used to be in dubai, when they didnt fight, when dad was happy, when mom wasnt manipulating dad, when things were okay...or maybe thye just seemed okay -i was maybe just too little to see that things were fucked, or just too naive. in which case if there ever was a time whne things were okay between my parents-i miss that. simply okay. not great. not awsome. but i would kill for an okay now.

christmas is the most depressing time of the year as usual, and although i was so fucking convinced it would change this year, ...it honestly hasn't.

Memories.

As I jog away, the chalet lights are fading in the distance. The cold air is filling my lungs at a regular pace and my throat is dry and hoarse. The weight of my rented snowboard, my most prized possession, is holding me back, as is the deep snow that I keep sinking into with every step. When I finally collapse face first into the cooling and soft snow; I can’t help but feel extremely proud that I have managed to sneak out of my family’s chalet in the middle of the night and not get caught. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I tell myself "not just yet". I light a cigarette as i've collapsed into the snow, and I look around me. I absorb every smell, I feel every inch of my body relax itself, I loose the fear of getting caught. I smile, every boy, every heartbreak, every drunken night, every embarrasment, every fight, every tear, every smile faked, every lie, every confession, every bad news recieved through out the past year; all worth it just for this moment of complete serenity.

I have waited a whole year to put on my boots, to tighten the straps and just that moment before I get up I smile to myself and I realise that this is my favourite place in the world. The moment before I stood up to ride down the slope I realize that nothing else matters anymore. I am alone, far away, far away from anyone. I am alone with my thoughts, alone in my mind and alone with my heart. Tears are filling my eyes and I am smiling to myself. Never has total isolation felt this amazing. I have waited a whole year, for this moment of pure joy and absolute freedom. The relief that is cycling my body is indescribable.

As I stand up I struggle not to fall over. I take a deep breath and I look around me. I am surrounded by a billion beautiful lights of all shapes and sizes. The lights that are shining the brightest of all are the ones above me, reflecting off the snow. Stars. Millions and billions of stars, stretching across the darkness. The light they let out was mesmerizing. I could tell where the outline of the trees was and under the hypnotizing lights they looked like giant birthday cakes. If somebody at that moment told me that they’ve seen something better than this, I would have simply laughed in their faces. I was stuck in a moment that I wanted to hold on to as tightly as i was clutching the snow in my bare hands. The cold numbed me to the bone yet I didn’t want it to stop. I looked up again towards the stars, and I realized this is the only place in the world where I can fully see them and appreciate them. My mouth ached from smiling so wide.

“This is where I am happiest, where I can be me” I think to myself as I jump up and twist my body, and put all my weight on my right foot. As I twist and turn from side to side my heart rate increases dramatically and I remember. I give out a loud yell in complete bliss because I remember the insane rush of adrenaline entering my head, making me completely apathetic.

Just for this feeling; I could ride forever. I could stay here forever. Nothing matters to me anymore.  I am in my own world and I am in control. I allow myself to make a mental note to remember this moment and keep it buried in my heart and dig it back out when life becomes difficult. The total freedom, the rush, the pure joy, the fearless ride down the hill, the overflow of adrenaline in my veins; this all makes the steep, long and tiring trek back up the hill and to the chalet totally worth it.

to the broken hearted idiot who cant help it. who cant get out of it
to the girl who couldnt choose the home she'd be born to
to the only person i can tell that im drinking and im drinking crazy and im sick and im dryinkiing, and to the only person who woldn't tlel me not to drink
to the person who when they tell me that they've smoked a pack and cant breath, i dont judge 
to the only person that understand me
to the only person that makes sense to me
to the only person who could be my living clone with the shit shes had to go through
to the person who i hated for so long and i was stupid and jealous and to the person who i love so much
to the person i hope who will be okay
to the person i hate so much for leavintg the country 
to jess, who i understand why she's leaving this country
to a friend who i hope will escape all of this, although leaving never makes everything okay
to the broken hearted idiot, who i will miss so fucking much.

take care. ily. be strong. and for once in ur life know that when I say 'I know how you feel/ i know what you're going through/ i know what you mean' im really not lying. 


im tipsy.